9 months.

Most days, I do okay. I think about Staalsy every single day because he was just...if you knew him you'd understand. Most days, I don't cry because I know how much he hated it. Most days life is pretty normal. Most days are okay. Today though...today isn't.

I looked over in a corner of my room about 10 minutes ago and swear I saw him. I called for him to come and get some snuggles before I remember he was gone. Cue to me having a breakdown.

I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or stress or what, but I miss my orange asshole cat more than anything right now. I just want to lay in my bed and put my face into his orange fur while he purrs with 'acceptance' because heavens knows he never fully enjoyed anything.

He sits on a bookshelf in my room in a little wooden box. A heart with his paw print, his collar and his favorite toy sit on top of it. He sits in front of the laptop that he fried that I turned into a memorial.

I often lay in bed and cannot fall asleep. I often swear I feel someone jump up onto my bed and curl up beside my head. Maybe I'm crazy but I swear it's my Staalsman. He always slept by my head. He would usually beat me with his tail until I acknowledged him. He was such an asshole.

I always think that I could've done something more for him. I always think there is some way I could've saved him. My friends and family assure me that I did all I could but it doesn't seem like it was enough. If I'd been a better person, I would've found a way to save him.

There are days were it is easier. There are days where I struggle. Then there are days like today where I just hate myself for failing him.

I don't know where to begin.

Today will have been a month since Staalsy passed away.

When I got home on the 28th, two of my friends tried to beat me to the house so that I wouldn't be alone. Try as they might, I ended up getting here first. I walked in the door, put down the other cat I'd brought with me and burst into tears. He didn't come down the stairs and I had so badly thought that he would. I expected him to be in PA, waiting for me to get back from VA. He wasn't though.

About 3 minutes later, my roommate came home. We cried. We just kept saying we couldn't believe it. We couldn't fathom that this amazing little cat was actually gone. Assholes are supposed to live forever so why did Staalsy have to go so soon?

When two of our other friends arrived, we had a little memorial for Staalsy. I brought back the laptop that he killed at the end of March with me and made it into a memorial for him. We talked about things he did. We talked about how much he hated various things. We toasted to him with CranApple juice-which is what he spilled on the laptop causing it to fry.

It has taken me a month to sit here and be able to type this.

I had fallen behind on updating once I moved and I apologize for that. I'd opened blogger and started entries, fully meaning to write. I'd always end up sidetracked by something or someone (someone orange and usually cranky).

I owned Staalsy for 355 days. Let me correct that-Staalsy owned me for 355 days. In that time I learned so much from such a little cat. I didn't think I could ever care so much for another cat the way I cared for him. I'm not saying that I don't love my other cats, because I do. Staalsy was just this...special little guy.

I will never know exactly what caused him to get so sick or if there is anything else I could've ever done for him. I took him to three different vets, tried taking him to a fourth as well but I won't go down that road. I won't waste as much time dwelling on it because it won't bring him back, no matter how much I'd like.

I do know this-for 355 days, I had the most loyal, loving and biggest jerk of a cat. I will forever miss him and I know he will never fully leave me. He comes to me in my dreams and I swear he wakes me up in the same way he always did-smacking my side until I said 'Quit it, Asshole'.

For now, Staalsy is in Virginia until my parents can bring him home to me. He hated to be away from me when he was alive and I could never make him be away from me even in passing.

Rest in peace my sweet prince. We miss you.