Most days, I do okay. I think about Staalsy every single day because he was just...if you knew him you'd understand. Most days, I don't cry because I know how much he hated it. Most days life is pretty normal. Most days are okay. Today though...today isn't.I looked over in a corner of my room about 10 minutes ago and swear I saw him. I called for him to come and get some snuggles before I remember he was gone. Cue to me having a breakdown.
I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or stress or what, but I miss my orange asshole cat more than anything right now. I just want to lay in my bed and put my face into his orange fur while he purrs with 'acceptance' because heavens knows he never fully enjoyed anything.
He sits on a bookshelf in my room in a little wooden box. A heart with his paw print, his collar and his favorite toy sit on top of it. He sits in front of the laptop that he fried that I turned into a memorial.
I often lay in bed and cannot fall asleep. I often swear I feel someone jump up onto my bed and curl up beside my head. Maybe I'm crazy but I swear it's my Staalsman. He always slept by my head. He would usually beat me with his tail until I acknowledged him. He was such an asshole.
I always think that I could've done something more for him. I always think there is some way I could've saved him. My friends and family assure me that I did all I could but it doesn't seem like it was enough. If I'd been a better person, I would've found a way to save him.
There are days were it is easier. There are days where I struggle. Then there are days like today where I just hate myself for failing him.
